We are all familiar with the Ancient Greek aphorism, ‘know yourself’.
But what does it really mean?
And how much importance do you put on this deceptively simple imperative?
It may come as a surprise to discover that the quality of your relationship depends on the quality of your relationship with yourself. The truth is we cannot be happy, honest, authentic and intimate with our partner unless we are able to be those things with ourselves. This involves establishing our own identity and having a clear sense of our feelings and preferences and what we desire. If we don’t know these things about ourselves, how can we hope to share them with a partner, or indeed anyone else?
We need to know how we feel and what’s important to us if we are to create successful relationships. We also need to know and accept the different parts of ourselves and recognise that when we feel comfortable with ourselves, we are much more attractive and magnetic to others. We literally draw them to us!
To help you on your way to understanding yourself and your relationship patterns better, take a moment to consider the following questions. Be completely honest with yourself, as this is the first requirement for any successful relationship.
· Can you be completely yourself and still be loved?
· Can you be loving and yet not be responsible for your partner’s well-being?
· Do you seek constant assurances that your partner loves you?
· Have you ever stayed in a relationship even though you weren’t really happy?
· Have you ever taken a partner back because you felt you couldn’t live without them / were afraid of being alone?
· Do you hold on to past resentments from old relationships?
· Do you think it’s possible to take care of your own needs and not be selfish? If so, how?
Spend a few minutes thinking about your answers. Do some of them raise more questions? Is there anything that you would like to change? If so, where do you start?
Feel good about you
Before you begin to look at your relationships, you need to focus on your relationship with yourself. It’s an old cliché, but you can’t hope to love or be loved by another wholeheartedly if you don’t have a positive regard for yourself. So if your self-esteem – or lack of it- is undermining your ability to be happy in a relationship, NOW is the time to begin improving it. Feeling good about who and what you are develops over time, the sooner you start the better.
Self-love
the key to any healthy relationship. This concept of self-love is based on the premise that we need to love and accept ourselves unconditionally – our strengths and our weakness. In practice, this means recognising our shortcomings and negative traits without judgement. That doesn’t mean that we resign ourselves to those aspects of our nature that undermine and diminish us. It simply means that we when we start from a place of acceptance, we are no longer in conflict with ourselves. This frees up our energy and enables us to focus on ways to become happier and more fulfilled.
All of us posses positive and negative characteristics. Self-love is about having a positive regard for ourselves, no matter what physical, intellectual or emotional attributes we have. Whether you see yourself as gorgeous or unattractive , intelligent or average, confident or shy, begin to see yourself in a positive light. Your strengths, weakness, talents and imperfections are all part of what makes you unique. As you acquire a conscious acceptance of all of who you are, both positive and negative, you will begin to transform the quality of your life and your relationships.
Self-love is about:
· Learning to be your own best friend;
· Accepting that you are human and therefore flawed;
· Committing to growth and becoming g the best possible you;
· Being will to challenge yourself;
Think about all the things that you like about yourself. This can be challenging, because we often have an inbuilt resistance to focusing on ourselves in this way and we tend to play down our attributes. Nevertheless before you decide what it is that you would love and value in a partner, you need know who you and acknowledge what makes you special.
What I like about myself is..............
How easy was it for you do this exercise?
Did you notice any reluctance or resistance to affirming yourself?
Loving and appreciating yourself is the foundation to a fulfilling relationship, so have another look at your list and if you’re feeling bold, say each one out loud. Keep adding to your list. If you run of things that you like about yourself, think about all the compliments that you’ve been given and see in you.
Unmask your true self
As children we learn to hide our real feelings and mask our real selves in an attempt to fit in, be accepted by others and protect ourselves from possible hurt. We adopt a persona – a false self- which beliefs the truth of who we really are. Our persona often give other the impression that we are more confident an independent than we really are. While this can facilitate our contact with others, when we identify too strongly with our persona we risk becoming alienated from our true nature. When this happens we lack authenticity and feel out of synch with ourselves and the rest of the world. We aren’t able to express our true thoughts and feelings and others don’t see us for who we really are.
When we create a false impression of ourselves we don’t know what we really want and need. And we can’t possibly hope to create an honest relationship because we are, in effect, deceiving both ourselves and others. So how can we connect with our true self? In order to move beyond our persona and expose our real self, the thing we need to do is be willing to take a risk.
The power of self-awareness
If you want a relationship is which you are accepted for you true self, you need to be honest with yourself about who you are. This can feel risky, because we are often afraid of what we might find in the process of self-discovery. Bringing the different parts of us to light can be challenging, but the more we can integrate these facets, the more balance and whole we feel. When we no longer need to pretend to be something we are not, we feel authentic and alive, and we have the confidence to be who we naturally are. The paradox of individuation is that by focusing on our own development and becoming more self-aware, we create the context for a rich rewarding relationship.
Discover you values
One of the best ways to find out more about yourself is through identifying your values. Your values shape the way you see yourself and the world. They underpin you character and offer you valuable insight into what is really important to you. Knowing what your values are and aligning yourself with them is essential for your well-being and integrity. When you honour your values you are honouring what is intrinsic you, and this gives you a clear message about how you want others to treat you.
We rarely take the time to consider our values and how they define us. When we lack this awareness it’s hard for us to be clear about what we want and need. So how do you know what your values are?
Well, when you feel strongly or passionately about something, this will inevitable reflect one of your values. For example, if independence is one of your values, you will rank this very highly and you may experience anger or resentment if it feels threatened. If you value loyalty highly you are likely to feel very aggrieved if someone behaves disloyally. Discovering and clarifying your values will strengthen and support your sense of self and the choices that you make. When you don’t honour your values, your aren’t able to stand for who you are. Conversely, when you honour your values, you are being true to yourself and this gives you a sense of internal rightness.
Here is a list of words that illustrates values:
Adventure ~ Assertiveness ~ Autonomy ~ Beauty ~ Collaboration ~ Communication ~ Connection ~ Courage ~ Decisiveness ~ Dependability
Excitement ~ Fidelity ~ Freedom ~ Fun ~ Generosity ~ Growth ~ Hard working ~ Harmony ~ Honesty ~ Humour ~ Independence ~ Intimacy
Joy ~ Loyalty ~ Orderliness ~ Partnership ~ Personal space ~ Punctuality
Reflection ~ Reliability ~ Romance ~ Security ~ Success ~ Tenacity ~ Tolerance ~ Trust ~ Truthfulness
The easiest way to determine you values is to look at your own life. For example, if you relish the times when you are on your own and see these as a chance to check in with yourself and restore your batteries, two of your values are likely to be personal space and reflection. If you love sharing your inner most being with your loved one, your values are likely to be intimacy, communication and connection. Of course it’s possible to have all these values, in which case it’s essential you your well-being that each of them is honoured.
My values are...................
Ask the right questions?
Ask yourself what is important about each value.
Does your life feel congruent with each of your values?
Which ones do you feel you are most in tune with?
Do you struggle to honour any of them?
Are some more important you than others?
If so, these will be your core values and reflect what is sacred to you. Be careful not to judge yourself as you ask yourself these questions.
You are simply checking out what really matters to you and whether your life and your relationships reflect this. Over the coming days and weeks, see if any more of your values emerge and add them to your list. Experiment with different ways in which you can express your values. Notice how you feel when you align yourself with one of your values and how others respond to you. Keep practising being congruent with our values and write down any shifts that take place.
Dare to honour your values
Honouring our values can be challenging if we are afraid of the consequences. For example, one of your values might be honesty, but if you are afraid of what might happen if you speak your mind, you might hold back from speaking your truth. If excitement and adventure are your values and you also value security, you might jeopardise your relationship. Ideally, all our values need to be acknowledged and integrated if we are to feel whole and authentic.
Move out of your comfort zone
Whether we do it consciously or not, we often avoid exploring and cultivating our inner lives and ignore or suppress our feelings. One of the reasons for this is that we are often resistant to change and more interested in the status quo. This becomes our comfort zone, even is we are not feeling good about ourselves and our relationships. Why is that? Often we are reluctant to experience a negative or uncomfortable feeling as we fear that is might overwhelm us or compel us to re-evaluate our lives. For example, we might cling to our romantic illusions and prefer to fantasise about the person of our dreams rather than taking any real responsibility for creating a relationship that will emotionally fulfil us.
Even if that strategy of avoidance and self-protection works for a while, life has a way of forcing our hand, and sooner or later we are required – or compelled – to deal with what is making us unhappy. Often it takes a crisis for us finally to acknowledge how we’re really feeling. This is often described as a ‘wake-up call’, and it can be a very painful experience. However, drastic measures are only required when you’ve abdicated all responsibility for you own happiness. So is there another way to acquire greater self-awareness and begin to feel more in control of your own happiness? Indeed there is!
Spend quality time with yourself
If you think it’s selfish to too time-consuming to focus on you, think again. The expression ‘self-centred’ has negative connotations, but it simply means that you operate from your own centre of gravity. This gives you a core stability and a strong framework for your life, enabling you to have a more conscious relationship with the most important person in your life – you. When you have this, everyone benefits and you have much more to give your relationship.
To live a balance life, we need to be. We’re usually much better as ‘doing’ – focusing on what we want to achieve and getting caught up in our hurried and busy lives. ‘Being’, on the other hand, allows us to slow down, become present and connect with how we are feeling. ‘Being’ allows us to spend time with ourselves and gives us the space to connect more deeply with our true nature, develop our intuition and what it is that is right for us. We often need to make a conscious effort to take time out of out busy lives, slow down and focus on how and where we are. Engaging in ‘being’ time enables you really to connect with yourself and what needs your attention. It brings you back to yourself and what’s really important. When you focus on ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’ you cultivate a loving relationship with yourself and nurture, honour and support your true essence. As you begin to discover and respond to your own needs, you build the foundation for a loving, nurturing and supportive relationship with your partner.
When we can trust that we will give ourselves what we need, we can trust others to do the same.
Give yourself more pleasure
Make the space for some ‘being’ time at least a couple of times a day. And remember that ‘being’ time needs to feel pleasurable. You can start with first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and gradually build in other times during your day. Gradually, this becomes a habit, a positive daily practice, which increasingly strengthens uplifts and affirms you. When we can trust that we will give ourselves what we need, we can trust others to do the same. Savour your ‘being’ time as a way of slowing down, being in the moment and giving yourself more pleasure.
· Take some time every day to do what you love and makes you feel good. Go for a walk in nature. Read. Meditate. Write a journal. Listen to music. Take a warm, fragrant, candlelit bath. Be creative. Be playful. Or just simply relax. Become intimate with yourself.
· Enjoy your own company. Remember you are the one travelling companion that is with you throughout your life.
· Don’t be a flat-earther by believing that there is a limit to how far you can explore the parameters of your world. Be adventurous.
· Find a great teacher / mentor / therapist / coach and discover more about yourself.
· Spend time with someone who inspires and energies you.
When you focus on ‘being’ rather that ‘doing’, you nurture, honour and support yourself. This lays the foundation for a loving, nurturing and supportive relationship with our partner.
Take your time
It takes time to know ourselves, our different characteristics and personality traits. We need a mixture of curiosity, courage and commitment to get to know and fully acknowledge all of who we are. And we need to be willing to be in for the long haul. This may seem daunting at first, since we live in a quick-fix society and we often avoid taking the time to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. Perversely, we are often more interested in getting to know others that ourselves. Consider what happens when we fall in love. We want to know everything about more about them – their thoughts, feelings, passions and aspirations even their imperfections. Everything about them holds endless fascination and took the time to uncover everything that makes you unique? The likelihood is that you will feel enriched and nurtured and start to savour this delicious relationship with yourself.
Become a whole person
It’s vital that we recognise, accept and integrate our various facets, as this gives us a sense of wholeness. When we feel whole we no longer expect a relationship to complete us. We are already complete! This dramatically affects how we feel about ourselves and, in turn helps us attract the right relationship. The more in touch we are about what we think and feel, the more empowered we are to create a life – and a relationship – that reflects who we are. Becoming more self-aware and whole is a process that ultimately leads you to a much stronger and fuller sense of yourself. When that happens, you acquire a confidence in yourself and a knowing that no matter what the challenges, you feel equal to the task. When you feel whole your are no longer looking for another to fill the void. You have no fear of being alone. You know yourself and you take complete responsibility for your happiness. And you feed capable of handling the inevitable ups and downs that occur in life and in relationships. Being a whole person enables you to live a balanced life in which you value both ‘being’ time and ‘doing’ time – spending time alone and sharing your life with our partner.
